This is just basically a quick version of everything that I have gone through over the past 5 years. (actually not so quick but whatever)

I think that my life was pretty normal until 5th grade. On March 28th 2000 my dads construction company burnt to the ground. The pole barn is about 15 yards away from my house and I stood watching as it burnt. That is the first time that I had to really put my emotions aside and deal with others. We had some little kids at my house at the time and I was given the job of watching the kids while everyone else was down by the barn. I remember standing on my deck and I could feel the heat from the flames. I felt completely helpless at the time. All I could do was stand and watch as the barn burnt down. After the barn fire I was terrified that our house would burn down. I would wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares. Michelle came around my dad about the time of the fire. The fire happened at the end of my  5th grade year. That summer went pretty well. Then 2 weeks before the start of 6th grade my best friend told me that she would be moving to another state. We had been planning all summer the stuff that we would do in middle school and all of that was then gone. When I started middle school I didn't really have any close friends and I hated it. Not too long after I started 6th grade my mom caught my dad cheating with Michelle. She told him that he had to choose between Michelle or us. Ron choose Michelle and moved out to go live with her. I used to sit in class and cry because of Ron leaving. He promised that he would come back and so my mom didn't file for a divorce for over a year. A lot of people didn't even know about the separation for a long time. I remember going to family gathering and my parents would go together and I had to pretend that everything was ok because no one knew that they were separated. One Christmas Ron came with us to his mom's house for Christmas dinner. When we went to the apartments to drop Ron off Michelle was found unconcious from a suicide attempt. Eventually my mom told my grandparents about the separation and they helped her get the money for a divorce. Michelle became increasingly violent. She was and still is insanely jelouse of my mom. Michelle has been violent many times. Ron spent many nights in the pole barn because they got in fights. Sometimes when I would be down in the barn on the computer Ron would come in and then the cops would come. The cops were called constantly because they got in fights so much. One time when Ron spent the night in the barn my brother Matt spent the night with him. The next morning Michelle got really mad because my mom was down at the barn with Matt. My mom had washed a blanket of Michelle's because my brother had made a mess of it. Michelle got really mad so my mom went over to the apartment to give her the stupid blanket. Ron told Michelle that we were coming to the apartment and she was there waiting. Michelle got really violent when we were there. Her and my mom ended up getting into a fight. I remember standing there screaming at them to stop fighting but there was nothing I could do. One of the neighbors finally broke it up. We quickly left with Michelle standing there screaming at the neighbor. Michelle then called the cops and lied about the whole thing. She said that we left her unconcious in the middle of the parking lot. It was her word against my mom's so nothing could really be done. My mom ended up getting in trouble for the whole situation. Michelle was violent a lot to Ron too. She has thrown an electric vacuum down the stairs at him, has bitten him, and has beaten him up. She punched holes in the apartment walls and smashed a window one time when my brother was there. Ron didn't really pay any of his bills because neither of them worked. There were several days when we had repo men at our house trying to take his stuff and sometimes some of our stuff because his name was on it. Repo men coming always used to really upset my brother. One night we came home from shopping to find Ron and Michelle moving into the pole barn. They had been evicted from their apartment because they hadn't played rent again. My mom tried to take Ron to court to get him out of the barn but since the issue of the property as far as the divorce has not yet been settled we can't do anything about it. Ron is supposed to pay my mom for the property so we can go get another house. He can't get the money to pay her off so we can't do anything. They have been living in the office of the pole barn for several months now. Michelle got her 3 kids taken away from them because she wasn't taking care of them. She has been violent while they have been living in the barn. She has threatened to break our windows. The police have come over many times because of their constant fighting. Usually when she gets mad we just lock all of the doors and don't answer the phone because there is nothing we can do about it. Just recently Michelle reported my mom for the daycare and she almost got in trouble. Michelle said that my mom beat the kids and she intentionally poured coffee on one of the little girls. Luckily, the little girls mother backed my mom up so she didn't lose he license. About a week ago Ron had a stoke. I haven't seen him since the stoke. It kinda makes things worse because now there is no way that he is going to get the money to pay my mom off.

I have been suffering from depression since the beginning of my 10th grade year. No one has known about the mess that I have been living until just recently. Before thanksgiving I told Kellie about what was going on. She convinced me to tell a teacher that I had thought of suicide. That is also when I started this journal. At first we told the teacher that we had a friend that was thinking of suicide and we didn't use my name. Kellie kept persisting until I finally let her tell the teacher that it was me. The day before thanksgiving break Kellie told the teacher that it was me and I had to talk to her. She told me that she would have to tell the pricipal because it was her job and that the pricipal would probably tell my mom. She also told me that she wanted to tell my mom but that she wouldn't because I didn't want her to. I later found out that as soon as I left her room she called my mom. Thanksgiving weekend was a mess because my mom now knew but I wasn't willing to talk to her. It was the first time that I ever really got into a fight with my mom and it was really hard on me. After that I had to talk to the principal and the school councelors about the whole thing. I lied to them about it which they probably knew I lied but I don't care. After that I was really angry at everyone and wasn't willing to talk to anyone. Eventually I decided to talk to the teacher. I have decided not to blame her because she told out of fear that I would hurt myself over the break. My mom told me that she thought I should see a councelor but wouldn't force me because I didn't want to. Right before Christmas break she decided to go behind my back and force me to see a councelor. The whole thing made things worse between me and my mom because she had gone back on her promise just like everyone else has done. I have been forced to see a social worker every 2 weeks now which I hate but I don't really get a choice. The day before Christmas break started I found the key to my dad's gun cabinet. I had looked for it during Thanksgiving break but didn't find it. I called Kellie when I found the key and spent about an hour on the phone with her just crying. After that she kinda reached the point were she couldn't handle my problems anymore. Later after Christmas break I actually opened up the gun cabinet and took out a gun. I don't know if I could have really done anything because I have never shot a gun before. That was the first time that I had gotten that close without really getting upset. I got out the gun and even found the bullets without really getting to upset. I ended up having to put it away because my dog started barking and I was scared that someone had come home. On January 5th I saw a girl at school that I hadn't seen since I was little. I ended up remembering/realizing that I was molested by the girl when I was little. It is something that has subconciously effected me many times in my life but I never really knew why. It was hard to deal with but after a few days I managed to just push it aside like everything else. On January 18th I attempted suicide by overdosing on pain killers. I had talked to the teacher that afternoon and I wanted so badly to tell her the truth about what was going through my head but I knew that she would tell my mom so I lied to her. I also told her about being molested and she told me that it happened when I was little and basically that it was no big deal. That night I went home and took the pills to try to kill myself. I didn't have that many pills so it didn't work. The next day I went to school so no one would find out. Luckily it was the first day of the second semester so I had a new schedule. I only had one class with Kellie and so she didn't figure out what I had done. I was really out of it that day at school. I had trouble thinking straight and felt really sick. I tried really hard not to complain because I was terrified that if someone found out what I had done I would end up in the hospital. No one found out until just recently Kellie decided to read my journal and figured it out. She hasn't told anyone which I am really lucky. She originally made a promise to me that she wouldn't tell unless I tried anything which now I did try so she could tell if she wanted to. Right now I am dealing with not cutting. There have been several times that I really wanted to cut and Kellie knows about that. She said that she would tell the teacher if she found any marks on my arms.

Right now I am basically waiting for things to become were I can't take it anymore. I trust no one and promises mean nothing to me. Kellie is the only person that hasn't gone behind my back so far but I know that she could easily tell if she wanted to. I am just enduring life pretending to be happy until something pushes me over the edge.

Updated: April 9th 2005

Since my life is constantly changing I have decided to update this thing... The last time I was wrote this, I was dealing with wanting to cut. I ended up scratching up my arm pretty badly several times. I didn't actually cut, I tried to use a knife on my arm but I couldn't find one that was sharp enought to do anything. I ended up telling Kellie about my arm. She got really freaked out about the whole cutting thing. She ended up blackmailing me to talk to KR. (teacher) KR convinced me to go with her to talk to the principal. They got really freaked out and I ended up getting put in the hospital. My mom took me to the ER and I spent over 5 hours refusing to talk. I had to stay one night under constant supervision. I would have been put in a mental hospital, but there wasn't any openings that night, so they decided to keep me in the pediactric center. To get out of the hospital I ended up telling them a bunch of lies so they would think that I was ok. Since then I have been forced to see so many people that I don't want to. For a while I have been refusing to talk but I got constantly threatened about being put back in the hospital. Lately I have been trying to please everyone so that I won't get put back in the hospital. I am not even allowed to be home alone right now. I have no idea what to do now, but I have been trying really hard to please everyone so they will leave me alone. I have to go to therapy every week plus I still have to see the social worker. None of it is helping me at all, but it reassures the people that are concerned about me.

Updated: May 31st 2005

Since I have last added to this entry a lot has happened. I no longer see the therapist. I basically just lied a lot and so she thinks that I am a normal teenager. According to the therapist I was never suicidal, show no signs of depression, and the school just overreacted about the whole situation. Myself I don't really think that KR overreacted because I did tell her that I was suicidal, but amazingly I was able to convince everyone that it was nothing. About a month ago I developed a deadline of June 5th. It is pretty much the date that I plan on killing myself if things don't show any improvement. Right now I am less then a week away from my deadline so it is making things kinda difficult. I currently pretty much rely completely on my friends online. Kellie is still my friend, but is no longer really involved in this mess. I have actually told KR that I lied to the therapist and amazingly she is still there for me. I still have to be kinda careful about what I say to her, but things have gotten easier. I have also been struggling with eating lately. I have been starving myself on and off for about a week. Some days I let myself eat more then others but I haven't let myself eat normally for about a week.

A few things have changed as far as my family. Ron has had like 3 strokes. I don't talk to him, so I don't really know all of the details. They are still living in the pole barn, but my mom is currently going to court to try to get them out. We are still stuck in the same house with them living across the driveway. Currently, I am not really getting along with my mom but I have learned to deal with it. I pretty much go to school and live in my room when I am home. School is going to be ending in a little over a week, and it is actually kinda a bad thing for me. I don't really know how I am going to handle the summer or if I will even be around for the summer with my deadline. Basically everything is up in the air right now and I know that I am going to be hit with it all very soon. I guess I am just hoping for the best for now...

Updated July 12th 2005

Things have actually sorta changed for the good recently. I went to Christ In Youth (CIY) at the beginning of the summer and it really helped me. It gave me a chance to really cry and also helped me see God as a possible answer. I have been really working on turning things over to God. It is definately extremely difficult because so many aspects of it are against the way that I have learned to live. I have a lot of friends online that are really supportive. I haven't cut for about a month now even though I still struggle with it. I am still battleing with an eating disorder but I am not starving myself anymore. Obviously my deadline has passed and I didn't attempt. Right now things are really up and down. I do actually have times when I honestly feel happy which is pretty new to me. I still have those times when I go back to being depressed but I am working through them the best I can. I know that things are going to be difficult again, but I am trying to make it...

Updated January 13th 2006

I crossed out the last update because I feel that it was more of an upswing then reality. Anyways, I haven't updated on this thing in a really long time that I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with last summer. As it says in the previous update I went to CIY and it really helped me. I had like a breakthrough at CIY and thinks really improved when I got back. For like the first week after I got back things were good and then for a while everything was extremely up and down. I went from actually being happy which was new to me to being extremely depressed and so it was really hard to deal with the emotions. After a while I kinda went back to being like numb but I was still happier then now. Towards the end of summer my aunt came to help my grandma out and asked if I was going to go to California to visit them. They had talked about it back at my cousins college graduation but I never expected to actually go. Anyways, about a month later I went out to stay with them in California. I loved it out there and it was really nice to get away from everything. I got to do all kinds of things that I would never get to do here. It was also a stable environment where I could just be a teenager which was really nice and something that I haven't really experienced. Anyways, school started a couple days after I got back from California. Things went ok for the beginning of school. I had some pretty easy classes this semester so I was able to keep my grades up. Some bad things that have happened though were I started using strangulation as a way of hurting myself. I don't remember exactly when that started. I have tried to hang myself at least once and then there were several times that I choked myself kinda badly but didn't intend to kill myself. At one point kinda recently I got sick of everything and went to talk to KR about getting help. Some people had been trying to get me to do it for a while and I finally did. I went to her and agreed to go to the school councelor. I admitted to KR and the school councelor that I had cut before but lied about the recentcy of it. I also admitted about disocciation, being molested, and attempting suicide. They ended up deciding that they needed to have a meeting with my mom and that it wasn't even safe for me to go home so I was stuck at the school. KR ended up offering to stay with me which is something that I am so incredibly greatful for. Anyways, they had the meeting with my mom which really suxed. Then the next day my mom took me to the ER afterschool. That turned out to be really bad because it was the one thing that I didn't want. After hours there I somehow managed to get out of there without being kept overnight. After that she took me to like a doctor and behavioral health, and a bunch of other places. Basically after a lot of lieing out of all of it with just having to see a therapist once a week. Currently things are kinda back to normal though I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I am probably going to be getting rid of the therapist soon but that kinda means that I went through all of that for nothing. I just finished my first semester exams today so second semester starts next week which is something that I have been dreading for months. Basically I am just waiting to see what next semester holds and seeing how long I can handle it.

Updated June 1, 2008

So I am in a depressed/reflective mood and realized that I haven't updated this for like 2 1/2 years so I decided to write. A lot has happened since I last wrote in this thing so I am not going to really update from were I was, I am just going to randomly summarize my life. Lets see. I graduated high school 9th in my class. I guess that is good but of course it isn't perfect so it wasn't good enough for me. I don't know how I managed to graduate but it happened. I don't really know what all to say about that. I decided to move to NY to go to college. That was fun. For the first quarter of college things went ok. I decided to start seeing a shrink while i was there. It was something that I had always promised that I would do once I got out of the house so I did. The first shrink I saw was ok. I kinda liked her. At first it was weird because she didn't know how to react to me. Shrinks are trained to pay more attention to how peopel say things than what they say but for me that doesn't work as well. I dissocciate so I am very detached when I talk about stuff. I can talk about incredibly horrible things and just sit there and smile I also have the ability to hold several contradicting opinions at the same time so I contradict myself a lot. I will want something and then not want it at the same time and so it was hard to understand what I wanted. I am also apparently very hard to read because I don't react when I say things. I don't react to much of anything really. Anyways, I started ot trust and started to open up to her. That was a mistake. I basically told her too much as I always seem to do whenever I start to let someone in. Basically she got freaked out and didn't know what to do so she started contacting other ppl in the counseling office. So the head of the counseling office got all freaked out and decided to tell my mom. THat pissed me off. That was right before winter break. Basically that whole thing really made me upset. She betrayed my trust and went behind my back. I was told that my shrink didn't wnat to tell my mom but couldn't stop it, but either way the trust was broken and I could't ever talk to her anymore. So I stopped seeing the shrink and stopped my meds cold turkey. That was an absolutely horrible experience. I expected it to kill me but I somehow survived that. I was talking to one of my friend who knew what was going on and didn't really care if I lived or died and a different friend happened to read the text message. She told another friend and they freaked out. They ended up calling public safety in NY. They basically hunted me down and found me at my work. Lots of ppl freaking out over me followed that and the whole thing ended up with RIT forcing me to see a shrink or they were going to kick me out. Lots of stuff happened with that but thats unimportant. So they made me be in this stupid DBT thing. Apparently I have borderline personality disorder. Oh, so a list of things that are supposed to be wrong with me mentally. I have very major clinical depression, whihc is obvious, borderline personlity disorder, an anxiety disorder, insomnia which is also obvious, umm, I can't remember what else. Anyways, I hated the new shrink. I was forced to be there and anytime I didn't want to do something she could threaten me with this stupid contract they made me sign to stay at RIT. So I basically decided to follow the contract yet be defyant at the same time. I showed up but only gave yes and no answers. She made me fill out papers which I did but wouldn't talk about it. She actually gave up on me pretty quickly. Oh, also while in NY I managed to get really sick. I started having panic attacks which became very serious. I also just got really physically sick which I am still dealing with. I had paramedics multiple times cuz I coudln't breathe and basically basically really really sick and tired all of the time. I didn't have insurnace though so I couldn't actually afford to go to a doctor. I sitll have medical bills from ending up in the ER. I almost got arrested once for "mental health" because I was putting my life in dnager by refusing to go to the hospital. Anyways, since then I managed to somehow finish my first year of school. I strangled myself multiple times and almost killed myself. I came closer than I ever had before and was within seconds from dying by choking myself. I don't really choke myself since I got that close because I cannot cause myself enough physical pain to relieve any of the mental anguish I feel. Well, since then I have moved to Washington and got a job for Microsoft. I was happy here for the first couple days but now I am feeling very mopey. I cannot escape who I am and all of the things that are wrong with me no matter how many places I go. I seem to just contantly move from place to place and set of friends to friends and can never escape the hell of my life. Right now I don't know what I am going to do. I am still taking meds but I will have to see a shrink again when I return to RIT if I want to stay on them. Right now I am just trying to have as much fun as possible while I am in Washington. It is a really amazing opportunity so I am trying to ignore who I am and everythign that is wrong wtih me as much as possible. I guess that is about it for now. I highly doubt that my life is going to get any better anytime soon so I shall keep going until something happens.

hey hun... awe that is so sad *tear*, i wish i oculd say that i know wut u mean, but what has happened to u in ur life is completely different from mine, but i do know how it feels to feel lost, alone, questions... so i hop eu just keep ur chin up, u'll get thru o:):P

Oh, hon... I... oh... that's so sad, no one... and I mean NO ONE should have to go through that! I mean, that's so mean and heartless, I can't... I... *tear* I will get that picture out! And I can't believe how strong you've been! I can't even immagine how badf you must feel! Oh, HON!!!! I luff yoo! Just ahng in there! Okay!? ~Evanna ~

Man.....thatsa pretty sorrowful life. Makes me relize how good off I am. I didnt even no people went through stuff liek that. Sorry If Im a d00d (boy) writin in ur thing since i c that i think im mostly yhte only boy that has writen here:-? Well, I hope life goes beter 4 u

It's been a while since we talked. I tried to e-mail you but wasn't able to get it to go through so I'm here. I came to see how you've been doing and after reading this I have so much to say.

First of all, I'm sorry for all of your pain. I can't tell you that I know how you feel because no one ever knows exactly what someone else is feeling but as you know I've fought with depression for years. Most of my life actually and I know the lonliness and hopelessness of it.

Before I say this, I'm just going to tell you I am not lecturing you I'm just giving my opinion.

I know that you think it's a good thing that you have fooled your therapist but if you can't open yourself up completely to one then you're not allowing yourself the chance to heal. I know that the hospital is a scary thing and for years I hid my mental torture because I was afraid of going there but when I was hospitalized I found that it was the best thing that happened to me.

Yes, it was scary and I felt so lost when I got there but I made friends with people who were just like me and we all showed each other support. The therapy sessions that I had there are unlike any of the ones I've had outside of there. They get you on medication that helps in case it's a chemical imbalance and if you don't want to take meds you don't have to.

After I finally admitted to myself that I needed some kind of help and support that my friends and family couldn't give me, I felt a huge relief. It was so hard to open up and be completely honest with the doctors as well as myself but once I did I learned so much about my disorder and about what triggers my depressive episodes. If I hadn't done it, I would probably be dead from suicide because I was at the end of my rope and I was swinging out of control.

Please consider seeing someone and getting involved in your treatment. The worse that can happen is that you will be hospitalized but honey that is really just a blessing in disguise. It really is. Anyway,

I must've typed too much. Here's the rest of my comment.

I just don't want to see you live the rest of your life in this blackhole. If you don't like the therapist that you had, get a different one. And keep getting a different one until you find the one that's right for you. That is your right as a human being.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Goodluck and hang in there. I know that you have the strength inside of you to get through this. Right now it may seem impossible but nothing is impossible with God on your side.